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Thousands of moments

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(no subject) [Nov. 15th, 2009|02:34 am]
Thousands of moments

I just can't keep doing this.

Getting emotionally attached and then becoming irreparably damaged because of it.

I thought moving out and taking care of myself was going to be the greatest thing.
The most liberating thing I've done for myself.

And all it's really done is made me hate myself.
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(no subject) [Mar. 8th, 2009|09:03 pm]
Thousands of moments

So I'm not necessarily sure I like the path that my life is heading on.

At this point, I'm not sure what I can do to fix that.
Well, I mean, I do, but I don't think I'm comfortable making that decision with everything else going on.

Every time things get hard, I feel like I have to take a break.
Sometimes people are understanding, sometimes they aren't.


I wonder if he will.

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This is the soundtrack my life... [Jan. 30th, 2009|10:37 pm]
Thousands of moments
Opening Credits:
Innocent Again- Switchfoot (Fantastic)

Waking Up:
Solution- Jonah 33 (An odd choice, but it works)

First Day At School:
Last Day of 1888- Kids In The Way (Heh...)

Falling In Love:
Sugar, We're Going Down- Fall Out Boy (Yeah.  I'm boned... 'another notch in my bed post...')

Fight Song:
Better Day- Saving Jane (For towards the end of the beat down... ?)

Breaking Up:
From Within- The Chemistry (I can see it)

You're All I Have- Snow Patrol (Random Cuteness.. !)

Hands Down- Dashboard Confessional (LOVE IT.)

Making babies:
Drive There Now!- The Almost (It mentions losing inhibitions... )

Mental Breakdown:
Death By Xanga-- The Wedding (Mmm... not so much)

Move- Thousand Foot Krutch (Heh... movement is movement, whether by car or metaphorical)

Pictures of Shorelines- Further Seems Forever (It works)

Getting back together:
The Kill (Bury Me)- 30 Seconds to Mars (Oh god.)

Bound To Happen-- The Spill Canvas (The title alone... I'm so screwed.)

Birth of Child:
Move Along- All-American Rejects (Hehe... and out of the birthing canal pops a baby...)

Final Battle:
Miss Behavin'- Emery (This kinda works..)

Death Scene:
The Secret- Emery (LOVE IT)

Funeral Song:
Who You Are- Number One Gun (I can see the connection...)

End Credits:
Rebirthing- Skillet (FANTASTIC)
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An Update from the Crypts of School [Jan. 29th, 2009|03:13 pm]
Thousands of moments
I graduate in less than five months and I still have no idea what I'm doing with the rest of my life.

I ordered copies of transcripts sent to my prospective schools.
Getting health records and forms filled out by next week.
I got into D'Youville for the ADVANCE program without even finishing the application process.

I still want to pick up and move to Pittsburgh, though.
Attend class at PITT.  TA, then teach.
Collegiate level. 
Ambitious, I know.

If only they would recognize my dream and offer me a full ride. 

I'd like to have a master's degree within five years.  At least one.
It's doable, yes.
But, I haven't the foggiest what I want to do with that yet.

If only I could be as artifical and inorganic as the computers in the labs at school.
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(no subject) [Dec. 23rd, 2008|12:50 am]
Thousands of moments
I'd be confident to say I might be better off spending the rest of my life alone.
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(no subject) [Oct. 13th, 2008|09:19 pm]
Thousands of moments

I feel safe writing here, well because, no one ever really reads this.


It kind of burns me that so many people forget my birthday.  Not that I usually forget theirs, but I haven't been around for quite some time.  I've tried to make some contacts and calls, but it seems like hardly anyone's really that interested.  Which kind of sucks, because these are some of the friends I've had throughout my high school years.  But, I had to have seen this coming because of my lack of church attendance and such... which brings up millions of other points.  I guess it's a matter of "out of sight, out of mind."  How sad.

I have no idea why it bothers me, but the whole Rick-Jen thing is still kind of weird.  I'm over that, just as I'm over the whole Dan thing.  Mainly because I felt used the entire time we dated, especially after it ended because I remember hearing the words, "Well, I thought that by dating you, that I'd get over her..."  I'm glad I was used in order to get over an ex, just for you to move on to someone else.  Much less someone else I had considered a friend at one point.  It bothers me that people can believe a relationship to be ordained by God, or fate, or the mercies.  What have you.  Thinking of one situation entirely, any percept that I have of God would have directly disdained the idea of any relationship occuring when one was cheating on another partner-- but it can be justified because God saw fit to put us together.  I'm sorry... I really honestly don't think it's okay to cheat on another partner, spouse, etc simply because "god" said it was okay.  If only...

I think, if anything, what bothers me the most is that everyone seems to be years indeed in their lives and I seem to be stuck back in high school-- trying to make the decision of what college to go to and what major to pursue.  I'm in a solid relationship with someone who truly cares.  It bothered me for some time about certain aspects.  But I've realized the truth about me. 

I'm not like other girls.  I don't need constant gratification, self-satisifaction or partner based satisfaction.  I have my own life, hobbies, friends, etc.  I can pursue them with or without the support of someone that I'm with.  I don't need or want someone holding my hand.  If someone takes up a shared interest or doesn't, it doesn't bother me.  I can have separate goals and interests.  Not everything has to be similar or shared-- just the belief that a relationship must grow together as each person grow on their own and together.  A relationship occurs between two people because of geunine care, concern, good intentions and hopes to help the other become a "better them".  Love is a part of that, but not everything.  There are so many other facets of a relationship that must be explored and present in a healthy relationship: emotional intimacy, physical intimacy, sexual appeal and interest, upholding the others beliefs and convictions even if they are not shared, etc...  I'm not a girly girl and I don't need to be treated differently, treated like a princess.  I can open my own doors, sit myself at a table, order my own meal.  I'm utilitarian.  Useful.  Not useless.  I have two legs; I'll use them, thanks.  Respect isn't the issue.  A person can show respect and concern in many other ways other than having to open doors and follow through a hand on the small of her back.  It's cute, sure, but not required.  I don't demand anything in a relationship.  No one should.  Then again, I'm different. 

I have to be romanced in other ways, other than the traditional ways and forms.  Maybe it takes tickets to sports games, not jewelry.  Some good food and drinks at a bar, not a fancy meal at  restaurant where I cannot pronounce the name or the menu.  I like chicken.  I like knowing that what I'm eating is chicken and not what I think is "weasel with cheese".  I'll buy my own jewelry because I know what I like and I won't feel as bad if I lose it -- which is almost a guarantee these days--  as I would if someone got it for me.  I'm the girl who'd like a fancy setting but not real diamonds when it comes to engagement rings.  I'm the girl that prefers iced tea and quesadillas to wine and too expensive smoked salmon with from-the-box rice pilaf and vegetables served with some glaze that has no known origin. 

I'm simple.  Rather.  Giftcards to coffee shops or coffee houses is appreciated much more than other material things like roses.  I like lilies, but much rather would like to receive an edible arrangement of fruit stuck craftily into an upturned watermelon.  I can eat fruit.  I can only admire flowers for so long before they wilt.  Call me strange.

I just want to fast-forward through the next few years of my life.  I'd like to see myself married, in a glorious, intimidating loft or small, humble home.  I want the dog that wags the whip-like tail at my beckoning call for walkies and greets me with a wide toothy grin when I come home.  I want the husband that helps cook dinner or cleans up when I cook so I can relax and grade my papers (or read my manuscripts).  I want the husband that's too self-conscious to walk around the yard shirtless but pretends he's the world's strongest man in the mirror in order for me to catch a glimpse.  Hug him over insecurities that we both share, lay next to him at night as I drift to sleep wondering how I landed such a guy as he. 

Call me a dreamer,
call me strange.

Just don't call me a week too late, because you forgot.
Some friends...


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Update [Feb. 29th, 2008|05:19 pm]
Thousands of moments
 Things are looking up.

Still on Dean's List, and getting further with honors.
Ahead in school several weeks now, but I'm still falling asleep in Ethics.
Creative Writing is furthering my writing career and prowess.  I'm getting a hang of grammar, syntax and structure.  It's a good thing.

Things with the boy... looking extremely positive, but I'm not planning ahead too far.  Too much is at risk for me to get myself locked into anything.  All I can say is that things are good, and I need to stop freaking out so much.  It's a good match with him, especially for where I'm at in life right now.  There are things I need to work on in my life, but he's supportive and encouraging all the while.

I'm looking at D'Youville and a couple other schools in the area, but I'm still planning for Pittsburgh.  Even if I could study there for a semester, I'd love to check into that possibility.  Studying abroad, in like Italy or England, would be at the top of the list of things to do but financially, not that incredibly feasible.  I have hope, and inside of hope exists possibilities.

I may have an interview next week for a nice, shiny position with a company I've wanted to work with for quite some time.  I've interviewed and was technically hired before, but I didn't take the position because I was looking at a substancial loss in income and hours.  But now, they're hiring for some positions that bring more money and more stability.  It's a good thing...

As of right now, I'm heading to the Sabres game and it's been forever since I've been to one.  Totally stoked and looking forward to some ice action.

This weekend spells a lot of homework for me, but it's okay.  I'm managing.
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(no subject) [Dec. 27th, 2007|12:11 am]
Thousands of moments
I find it odd that the crowd gets silent when I actually prove a point.

What sense is there is arguing a point when no one listens anyway?

I find it odd that those I've met and known for mere months understand and accept more than those I've known for years.

I have a living that I have to make.  No one else is going to make it but me.  I really don't believe that God just hands things out-- He blessed those who do work hard.  I know that I'm blessed.  I believe I'm blessed mainly because I put forth effort and perserverance.  For the most part.  If I were to simply sit around or wait, or even just bide my time, I really hesitate to think that God would still be as benevolent.
People know that I have to work full time.  While attending school full time.

I have bills that I must pay.
No one is going to pay them for me.
It's my responsibility.
Congratulations that most others have gratitious individuals and family members willing to help out and lend money.
I don't have that luxury.

Thus, I trek the path that I do.

I don't chase people down.
I don't shake people down for a returned phone call.
I most certainly do not run after people when they're upset.
If someone's busy and they mind enough to call back, then so be it.  
If they don't, I don't lose sleep over it.
And I most certainly don't forget about friendships because of it.

If you cannot accept my repeated apologies and understand that things haven't been the easiest, fine.  It's no longer my problem.
Thanks for holding grudges, guys.
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(no subject) [Dec. 22nd, 2007|11:15 pm]
Thousands of moments
 It feels good to unload this.

Everyone's disappointed.

They're disappointed that I didn't show at the cookie exchange party.
They're disappointed that I cannot get over everything that happened two years ago.
They're disappointed that I cannot find it in myself to let go of everything.
They're disappointed that I didn't choose them.
They're disappointed that I chose him.
They're disappointed that I'm moving
They're disappointed that I didn't show at the Multi-Cultural Thanksgiving Dinner.
They're disappointed that I'm choosing to live my life.
They're disappointed that I'm not sacrificing everything for them.
They're disappointed that I didn't choose their side, and that I defended one of my good friends.

They're disappointed in my decisions.
They're disappointed in me.

I find it odd that my boyfriend doesn't even really acknowledge that we're dating.
I find it strange that I'm closer with my pretend brother than my best friends, aforementioned boyfriend and virtually every member of my family.
I find it strange that I've neglected both my aunt and grandmother in their greatest times of need because of self-preservation.

I find it strange that when I need to talk to someone the most, there's no one to be found.
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(no subject) [Apr. 28th, 2007|09:15 pm]
Thousands of moments

"Hollywood makes love out to be this amazing, wonderful thing.  Sometimes they paint the portrait that love hurts sometimes, but mainly that hurt is conveyed in the idea that someone else has got your man.  Or, woman.  However you swing.  They fail to paint the actual picture of love.

A picture so large, it spread across the length of one man's arms.  

The size of this love, so emmense, it makes the oceans depth seem insignificant.  The height of the tallest trees, and mountains pale in comparison.  The width of all the rivers wide cannot bare judgement."

01 October 2006

What has changed since then?


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