Log in

I feel safe writing here, well because, no one ever really reads… - Life and Why [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Thousands of moments

[ website | Beautiful Mess ]
[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ archive | journal archive ]

[Oct. 13th, 2008|09:19 pm]
Thousands of moments

I feel safe writing here, well because, no one ever really reads this.


It kind of burns me that so many people forget my birthday.  Not that I usually forget theirs, but I haven't been around for quite some time.  I've tried to make some contacts and calls, but it seems like hardly anyone's really that interested.  Which kind of sucks, because these are some of the friends I've had throughout my high school years.  But, I had to have seen this coming because of my lack of church attendance and such... which brings up millions of other points.  I guess it's a matter of "out of sight, out of mind."  How sad.

I have no idea why it bothers me, but the whole Rick-Jen thing is still kind of weird.  I'm over that, just as I'm over the whole Dan thing.  Mainly because I felt used the entire time we dated, especially after it ended because I remember hearing the words, "Well, I thought that by dating you, that I'd get over her..."  I'm glad I was used in order to get over an ex, just for you to move on to someone else.  Much less someone else I had considered a friend at one point.  It bothers me that people can believe a relationship to be ordained by God, or fate, or the mercies.  What have you.  Thinking of one situation entirely, any percept that I have of God would have directly disdained the idea of any relationship occuring when one was cheating on another partner-- but it can be justified because God saw fit to put us together.  I'm sorry... I really honestly don't think it's okay to cheat on another partner, spouse, etc simply because "god" said it was okay.  If only...

I think, if anything, what bothers me the most is that everyone seems to be years indeed in their lives and I seem to be stuck back in high school-- trying to make the decision of what college to go to and what major to pursue.  I'm in a solid relationship with someone who truly cares.  It bothered me for some time about certain aspects.  But I've realized the truth about me. 

I'm not like other girls.  I don't need constant gratification, self-satisifaction or partner based satisfaction.  I have my own life, hobbies, friends, etc.  I can pursue them with or without the support of someone that I'm with.  I don't need or want someone holding my hand.  If someone takes up a shared interest or doesn't, it doesn't bother me.  I can have separate goals and interests.  Not everything has to be similar or shared-- just the belief that a relationship must grow together as each person grow on their own and together.  A relationship occurs between two people because of geunine care, concern, good intentions and hopes to help the other become a "better them".  Love is a part of that, but not everything.  There are so many other facets of a relationship that must be explored and present in a healthy relationship: emotional intimacy, physical intimacy, sexual appeal and interest, upholding the others beliefs and convictions even if they are not shared, etc...  I'm not a girly girl and I don't need to be treated differently, treated like a princess.  I can open my own doors, sit myself at a table, order my own meal.  I'm utilitarian.  Useful.  Not useless.  I have two legs; I'll use them, thanks.  Respect isn't the issue.  A person can show respect and concern in many other ways other than having to open doors and follow through a hand on the small of her back.  It's cute, sure, but not required.  I don't demand anything in a relationship.  No one should.  Then again, I'm different. 

I have to be romanced in other ways, other than the traditional ways and forms.  Maybe it takes tickets to sports games, not jewelry.  Some good food and drinks at a bar, not a fancy meal at  restaurant where I cannot pronounce the name or the menu.  I like chicken.  I like knowing that what I'm eating is chicken and not what I think is "weasel with cheese".  I'll buy my own jewelry because I know what I like and I won't feel as bad if I lose it -- which is almost a guarantee these days--  as I would if someone got it for me.  I'm the girl who'd like a fancy setting but not real diamonds when it comes to engagement rings.  I'm the girl that prefers iced tea and quesadillas to wine and too expensive smoked salmon with from-the-box rice pilaf and vegetables served with some glaze that has no known origin. 

I'm simple.  Rather.  Giftcards to coffee shops or coffee houses is appreciated much more than other material things like roses.  I like lilies, but much rather would like to receive an edible arrangement of fruit stuck craftily into an upturned watermelon.  I can eat fruit.  I can only admire flowers for so long before they wilt.  Call me strange.

I just want to fast-forward through the next few years of my life.  I'd like to see myself married, in a glorious, intimidating loft or small, humble home.  I want the dog that wags the whip-like tail at my beckoning call for walkies and greets me with a wide toothy grin when I come home.  I want the husband that helps cook dinner or cleans up when I cook so I can relax and grade my papers (or read my manuscripts).  I want the husband that's too self-conscious to walk around the yard shirtless but pretends he's the world's strongest man in the mirror in order for me to catch a glimpse.  Hug him over insecurities that we both share, lay next to him at night as I drift to sleep wondering how I landed such a guy as he. 

Call me a dreamer,
call me strange.

Just don't call me a week too late, because you forgot.
Some friends...



[User Picture]From: js3901
2008-10-14 02:00 pm (UTC)
just FYI, I still read, when you actually post. though, I hardly post anything myself. I always find your posts well thought out, and very insightful. there's almost a beatiful poetry to your writing.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: taintedrelic
2008-10-16 01:55 am (UTC)
Your compliment makes me smile. And pushes me all the more to actually write the book that I've been thinking about writing for quite some time.

Hmmm... thank you.

I don't usually like posting because everyone gets all defensive and well, no one likes Defensive-Dolly. Or Melancholic-Marie.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: ekbuttercup
2008-10-16 01:38 am (UTC)
If I wasn't in Las Vegas, I would totally hang out with you :)

And believe me when I say that future perfect husband will come along.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: taintedrelic
2008-10-16 01:58 am (UTC)
I would like to think that he has already come along... this one challenges me more than I'd like to admit to. I need that. If life isn't challenging in every aspect, I get bored.

If you weren't in Las Vegas, we'd be tearing it up ol' school here in Buffalo. But I'm glad you're doing well, and I miss you. We didn't have much of a chance to get to know one another, but I know that you're a beautiful person with a happy soul and a big heart..

I appreciate your encouragement.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)